“The NFL Fan’s Guide to Understanding the Primaries” – by Chris Moore

moore logical thinking football

 

 

I frequently find myself trying to explain a lot of things about politics. Examples, how the delegate vs popular vote system works. The different characteristics of each candidate. Hell, sometimes I even find myself explaining the difference between not only a Republican and Democrat, but a conservative and liberal as well. I’m surprised at how little people actually know about how their government works. There are more people who can explain and understand the NFL playoff race than there are people who can explain and understand the Bernie Sanders Tax Plan. Well, that’s actually a bad analogy because no one understands the Bernie Sanders Tax Plan. But, for the sake of enlightenment, I decided to take a topic that people understand and compare it with something they don’t, and see what happens. So here we go. I now present to you: Politics, NFL style:

The NFL is broken down into two confrences. The National Footbal Conference (NFC) and the American Footbal Conference (AFC). There are also four divisions in each conference, but we don’t need to break it down that far for this analogy (see, politics is already easier). Now, each conference holds their own “playoff tournament” to decide who plays in the Super Bowl against the other conference. Right? Well, the Primary Elections are the playoffs, the General election is the Super Bowl, and the winner gets to help Obama pack instead of a Lombardi Trophy, but that’s even better. I’ll tell you how they keep score later on, but first let’s meet the teams.

For the AFC (Democrats) we have two teams.

First up, the New England Patriots (the Hillary Clinton Campaign)
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This team is actually a perfect fit for Hillary. They have a lot in common. They are both dominant, they both have great game plans, they are both owned by billionaires, they know how to work the system, and they both break the rules. And, most importantly, their fans are so in love with them, they don’t care that they cheated their way to the top. Even though they got caught…..multiple times.

The second team from the AFC (Democrats)

The Cincinnati Bengals (the Bernie Sanders Campaign)
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I put a lot of thought into this comparison. I needed a team that is historically a loser, with fans that are too dillusional to realize they aren’t as good as they look on paper. The Bengals were perfect for it. As a matter of fact, I don’t think the Bengals have done anything significant the entire 25 years Bernie has been in office…..niether has he. Maybe he’s the curse.

Now, on to the NFC (Republicans). This one has more teams competing for one spot. Just like it is in the NFL, so it is in this year’s Primary. Currently, there are four teams when there really should be only two. But…..anything can happen. That’s why we play the games.

The Dallas Cowboys (the John Kasich Campaign)
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Lots of similarities here too. Every single year, the Cowboys make huge promises to their fans, and almost every year, they become statistically irrelevant by mid-season. Kasich may not realize it. But, he’s promised to do over a hundred things in his first hundred days in office, and currently, he’s statistically irrelevant. Another thing he doesn’t realize is that everyone outside of his home state hates him, and he exaggerates how good he was in his glory days. Just like the Cowboys.

The San Francisco 49ers (the Marco Rubio Campaign)
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For this comparison, I don’t think I don’t need the whole team. Just the quarterback. The reason is, Colin Kaepernick is in the middle of trade talks. So no one really knows what team he’s going to play for. Same thing with Rubio. I still believe he’s a pro-life Democrat…..but anyway, both Kap and Rubio have shown that with enough practice, they can look really good. But niether one can improvise, or stop running their mouth. Also, Kap wants to be Joe Montana almost as much as Rubio wants to be Ronald Reagan, but niether one has a clue how to do it.

The New York Giants (the Ted Cruz Campaign)
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I picked this combination because you really can’t ever count out the Giants in the playoffs. While I think Ted is a cheater worthy of a Patriots uniform, I don’t think the Giants are cheaters. However, they have a lot in common when you look at the fact that they either get really lucky or they fuck up royally. Ted’s in that boat with Eli Manning. The difference is, Ted doesn’t have a teammate good enough to catch a ball with his butt cheeks…..and Ted is going to drop the ball.

Finally, the last team representing the NFC (Republicans), the Arizona Cardinals (the Donald Trump Campaign)!!! Sorry guys, my candidate, my team, my article.
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I love the Cardinals. I love Donald Trump. I could make comparisons all day. But the angle I’m going to use is this, about three years ago, the Cardinals sucked. They were horrible. Then a cool, confident, all business, well dressed, man with a plan named Bruce Arians walked in. With little head coaching experience he brought a positive attitude, he changed the system, he boosted the morale, and BAM!!! The Cardinals were great again. See where im going with this? Trump’s going to do the same thing with America. As soon as he wins the Super Bowl (General Election) But he has to win the primary first.

Here’s how:

The “popular vote” is just like “yards from scrimmage”. In other words, it’s nothing but a stat. The percentages the mainstream media shows you, is meaningless. Points are what counts. “Points” are “delegates”. Every State Primary is like an offensive possession. The amount of delegates a state has, is based off of population. Therefore, highly populated states are worth more, some states are touchdowns, some are field goals. Every state has different rules as to how the delegates can vote. Most states want the delegate votes to reflect popular vote percentages (but that doesn’t always happen). Some states allow the delegates to vote however the fuck they want (easily corrupted), so popular vote (yards) doesn’t really matter at all. Then there are the “Winner take all” States, where the candidate that has the highest percentage of the popular vote, gets all the delegates from that state. The magic number to clinch the playoffs (win the primary), is 1,237 delegates on the Republican side (NFC) and 2,383 on the Democrat side (AFC).

If no candidates hit that magic number, then they go to an Open Convention (sudden death overtime), and the delegates all recast their votes.

GO CARDS!!!!

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